“Oh, you look so fresh, have you lost weight?”. We are probably many who have given that compliment to a friend… A well-meaning and harmless comment. The recipient of the compliment becomes happy because we are acknowledging their weight loss, as there may be a lot of effort behind the weight reduction.
But what happens when the same person has gained weight the next time you meet? Does that mean she is less beautiful? The person who has struggled to lose weight may already have a complicated relationship with their body. If she receives a compliment for her weight loss, she may feel the pressure not to lose control and gain it all back, because what will people then say and think? What is she worth then? And she knows that no one encourages her when she gains weight.
The problem with associating “thin” with positive attributes like “fresh” is that the opposite is easily associated with opposite attributes. Giving compliments on things that are also not permanent, such as body weight, can therefore be very problematic.
We remind them that we evaluate their external appearance and attach great importance to how they look.
I’m certain that this kind of compliment is often given with good intensions, and most often it is a learned compliment that women habitually give each other. However, the problem is that these types of compliments reinforce diet culture and contribute to the body fixation present in our society today. We have been taught that being thin equals happiness and health, while being fat equals failure and unhealthiness.
I have often received compliments myself when I have lost weight. I have been told that I look fresh! I have been praised for successfully losing weight, being told that I am glowing! But if I fast forward a few months and encounter the person who gave me the compliment, the first thing that comes to mind is that I am now larger than last time. She can’t give me the same compliment, and I feel ashamed that I have gained weight.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t give each other compliments – quite the opposite! We should give at least one compliment every day because people feel happy when they receive encouragement! But we need to reflect on what we value. Is it a person’s low weight that makes us want to grab a coffee and spend time with them? Or is it their infectious laughter, their ability to brighten up a room, or their caring personality that makes you feel good?
Our compliments reflect our values. So the next time you consider giving a weight-related compliment, take a moment to reconsider what you genuinely appreciate about her.
Hugs, Marie
This text was published in Åbo Underrättelser 20th October 2020. Read it here.
Watch me read it in Swedish: